Monday, February 17, 2014

February 17 @8:30am Mountain Time:

It is with heavy hearts that we must inform you of the passing of our darling daughter, Alie.  Her final days were fairly peaceful, sleeping much of the time but also able to watch some of the Winter Olympics and enjoy her favorite event, figure skating.  Her final moments were peaceful with both parents by her bedside.
 We have all been preparing for this day for the past several weeks, knowing it was coming far faster than we hoped.  From the moment in December when the news came of her terminal illness, Alie has continually amazed us with her positive attitude and limitless spirit. We have all learned from her selfless approach to life, her giving nature, and her passion for the possibilities that life hold for all of us  She was so thankful for all of the outreach shown to her by her friends and family and we share in that gratitude.  Unfortunately she was just too weak to be able to answer all of your texts, emails, and posts on various websites. You all have been simply amazing in your support: visits from family and friends from out-of-state and even out-of-country; expressions of love on Facebook, Deviant Art, and Tumblr; gifts arriving in the mail nearly every day…all of it has been simply amazing.  You have all truly inspired us and made Alie’s final journey so much easier.
 We do ask that people not send flowers or gifts to our house.  Please, if you are so inclined, feel free to make a monetary donation in Alie’s name to The American Cancer Society
 Alicia had a message she wanted to pass on to her internet friends:

To my Internet Friends:
Can I ever explain how much you guys mean to me?  Nope.  Not even going to try.  You have all done so much for me!  Supporting my writing, my art, and me when times get rough.  You are all so beyond amazing and I’m one of the luckiest girls in the world simply because I get to share so many wonderful things with you all.
And of course some of you mean so much more than that…you know who you are.  I’d planned on writing you all your own notes but if this is my end I’d hate to leave you with nothing. You deserve all the hugs and love that I can possible manage to get to you.  I’m not making a list; I’d hate for anyone to feel hurt or left out simply because my brain is a little loopy, lol. But believe me, if you’re on my list of close internet friends, you know it.  You guys have been my world for years now, shaping it in a way that people in the real world couldn’t.  You touched my heart and soul and helped me discover who I am.  I owe you so much and love you even more <3.
Huh…still feeling odd and loopy…I took one of those anxiety pill thingies.  Don’t really know what to do now though.  I admit I’m mostly just feeling tired which isn’t a new feeling these days.  But I’m suddenly a little scared that if I let myself go back to sleep…I might not wake up again…
Well, it’s scary but it’s alright. In a weird way, this fits.  I’ve never really settled on a future.  My dreams were always flicking around, never picking a solid choice to just stick with.  And I’ve been given the chance to travel and see the world already.  How many girls my age can claim that?
I have been so lucky and in so many ways.  I’m ready for this, if this is it.  Please, no one worry about me, alright?  Focus on yourself and the people you love.  Don’t be silly and stop taking care of yourselves.
Leaving behind all of my love,


Tuesday, January 28, 2014


Because man am I going through a bunch of em. Weird changes too. I don't talk about it a whole lot about anything beyond the basic updates here generally, but I figure why not write up something new? Something more interesting perhaps? At least maybe a little less technical and boring than usual, lol.

The biggest thing is the way I look of course. I mean...I had a face shape before!

I admit, there were lots of times I hated my face was so round, I'd do everything I could to make sure that in pictures I'd look thinner. Now I have this face...

 I'm getting so thin! And my smile looks so strange and lopsided... I'm so dehydrated all the time which isn't helping my smile anyways. Plus, because of the blood thinners I'm on, every little cut and scrape just sorta sits and never goes away. So those little dots on my face are all zits that just won't leave. I can't wash too roughly either cuz I'm worried I might accidentally create more. I mean the scrapes are everywhere, not just my face, but those are the ones I end up worrying about, lol.

My arms and shoulders have thinned out so much it's pretty weird too. They're kinda skeleton arms in a way! And getting thinner. Since I can't eat food I don't get much nutrition anymore, so my body fat is being eaten away instead. I knew it would happen but it's weeeird to see happening. My legs are starting to show it too. When they aren't all fattened up by random fluid build up anyways. That happens when I don't keep my feet up enough during the day apparently, lol. For some reason my left leg is just like...super thirsty I guess and keeps trying to gain water weight. Fat ankles on top of everything else just suck. Not to mention the fact that when my knee swells up its really painful so that's less than cool ^^;

Of course while my limbs are getting thinner, my torso looks rather like a pregnant old lady. Which is disgustingly blunt, but true. Because of the constant fluid build up in my middle I can't stand up straight, so I hobble around folded in half. And my boobs? A month ago, I had a lovely pair of 34DDDs to work with. Now I can wear old bras from when I was a D and even less o.O

I mean...I knew this would happen. I know that the way I look doesn't matter at this point, it's silly and stupid to worry about in the midst of everything else that's going on. I hate knowing that my smile isn't my smile anymore. It's like someone swept in, stole my mouth and replaced it with someone else's. Every time I look in the mirror I'm not seeing myself, I'm seeing this...thing i'm turning into. And I can't stand knowing that everyone who comes to visit me isn't seeing me either. They're seeing this weird hunchbacked, skinny girl with a weird face and smile.

That's the main reason I decided not to cut my hair I think. My hair is once again my main thing. My identity in a way. I just...I just need my thing. But even more, I just need that one familiar thing to hang's gonna be the only one I have left before long...

Eh, it's silly to worry about. Not silly in a bad way I don't think, I doubt anyone is going to scold me for thinking or feeling such things of course, that really is silly, lol. Nah, for me it's more like...I have more important things to worry now, so we're gonna worry less about what you look like and more about making those little dreams come true first!

And now, I'm falling asleep while I try and write and it's getting harder and harder to fight it, lol. So I'm going to sleep and hope that you all have a lovely day!

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Too much to title!

And now it is time for me to crawl from my little hole of shame and sheepishly grin as I realize that I've somehow managed to fall behind on this blog again. It's only a few days, not as bad as last time, but good gracious I need to get into the practice of writing these updates! I just need to make it a habit... Maybe a first thing in the morning habit! Since I often wake up in the dark and don't have anything better to do anyway, lol.

Right, so nothing super duper major has been happening update-wise in the last few days, so that makes things easier, lol. Basically, I'm just gonna go through facebook and tumblr posts so remember what all happened XD

The 20th was a giant blur after taking two sleeping pills the night before. I'd taken one at like...9:30 and then the second at 12:30. And they worked! Sort of o.O I mean I passed out, but i'm not sure it was a very restful sleep, so it didn't feel very worth it... Watched Tangled with my Aunt and Uncle, and managed to doodle Punz even while nodding off every few seconds. I dunno if that's talent or crazy XD We had chinese for dinner, and played a few rounds of Scattergories and Pix-it and it was fun ^^

The 21st was nothing short of insane. Health update wise, my food tube started leaking more. It's basically the stuff in the beginning of the small intestines...sorta half digested muck. It's not pleasant, it can itch and burn and sting...but we've got a system figured out to keep it clean ^^

But nah, that wasn't the crazy bit. The crazy bit was that through the efforts of a bunch of dear friends online, they turned the 21st into Alie Day! A day where people wear green in honor of both me and to spread liver cancer awareness! And holy wow, was it WAY more successful than I ever could have imagined! I figured my friends would wear green, but only a few of them...who could be bothered? But hundreds of people took part! People i've never met or had any direct contact with took part! Someone wrote a message on a green coconut and took pictures with it all over their city! I had people in green saying hello to me all day long on facebook and I could barely keep up with things there! And that's ignoring the many messages on tumblr and deviantArt, the bazillion times people made journals about me on deviantArt, the gift art posted there or sent to me drectly... And somehow, a few amazing girls managed not only to suggest me for a Daily Deviation (a special spotlight of sorts on deviantArt, where an art piece is selected and showcased as a special daily pick. It's a HUGE honor and something I never ever everrr thought i'd get!), but to schedule it so that it would arrive on the 21st. On Alie Day. This piece:

Here it is on deviantArt if you'd like to see the description I gave originally ^^ It's just so amazing...the meaning behind this piece is a large part of why it was picked, I'm sure. (Art-wise I wouldn't have ever picked it, it's not that great. I have much more impressive work I admit ^^;) But because this is the first piece I drew after learning I had cancer... This is the piece I got a few prints of for the nurses and doctors at the hospital as a thank you for taking such good care of me. This piece got me through some rough lonely, painful nights as I reminded myself that I'm an artist and that there's beauty everywhere as long as you open your eyes to see it.

I still can't understand it. How did I manage to find so many amazing people and get them involved in my life? What did I do that was so right that I was able to somehow end up with what is clearly the most amazing and supportive group of friends in the entire world? Seriously, you're so amazing. I can never explain it, I've tried to and I keep running out of words. There simply aren't any. Maybe that's the cheap way out, but i'm not sure this is a battle I can win. Heck, this is a battle I'm alright with losing! Being unable to find words means that maybe I can convince people at least a little bit how much they mean to me!

Eh, a girl can hope =P

Alright, so the 22nd was...sleepy blurriness? And a giant visit of like 7 people all at once, lol. My dad's parents, brother and new (new to me anyways) sister-in-law drove up from New Mexico, so that's 4. And at the same time, my great aunt Linda was driven down from Fort Collins by her...daughter and...grandson? I'm honestly not sure how they're related, I've only met em maybe once before. Which was a teeny bit awkward, but it wasn't awful. One plus to having that many people over at once is that the focus isn't constantly on me which was nice. I was also having a nice strong, awake day, so I was able to come downstairs to see them, join them for lunch (lasagna mmm), and show them how my digital drawing worked since it was really impossible to explain otherwise, lol.

23rd involved a visit to the hospital for another fluid drain. It wasn't bad either, they were really fast :) Seriously, I was in and set up within in the hour, they got over 2 liters out... I did have to roll over a little, but it got more fluid and didn't hurt so it was worth it. Really, it wasn't a bad visit in the least, lol. They are talking about just making it a weekly appt right away, since I seem to need it weekly anyway and this way i'll be in and out even quicker. Maybe even more than weekly...I went from Friday to thursday ad they got out more fluid... Maybe instead of weekly I need it every few days... I mean it's only been a couple days but I can already tell its building up again. Annoyingly fast...grr...

Anyways, later that evening the Dessert Night crew came over ^^ For those who don't know, myself and afew friends used to have what we called Dessert Night. It was my resolution that year to go one day a week without electronics, and out of boredom I ended up making desserts, lol. So I invited them and we hung out weekly for a few months, just eating dessert and talking and doodling and such ^^ It ended eventually, but this week Rachel made us fresh blackberry mousse and holy crapola was it amazing!

And on the 24th, I...well everything sucked, mostly. The food tube got twisted and I was in some really bad pain for ages, it was really less than fun ^^; Eventually though I was able to move around enough to do a careful shower washup with the help oh my mom. It's a little weird still, letting her scrub me from head to toe. She understands though, she'll do what she can but she really works to make sure that i'm comfortable and pain free and not awkward about things. She's seriously amazing guys, she really is <3

Then a friend who recently moved to town came to visit! Well, mummy picked her up, lol. But yeah, they got Kneader's (seriously, BEST SMOOTHIES EVER) and came here. Since I wasn't really up for leaving the house, this was easier, and Eve was such a sweetheart about the whole thing! We ended up watching Chitty Chitty Bang Bang, though I was half asleep for most of it ^^ She stayed the night in the guest room ad meanwhile I passed out. Like...I fell fast asleep and didn't move until morning. It was...awesome! Weird, but awesome!

I'm hoping I can manage the same thing tonight. We'll have to see. Not long of a wait though, I can barely keep my eyes open :P So goodnight all~!!

Sunday, January 19, 2014

Frozen and Haunted Houses and Ooooozing

Obviously today has been a little nuts, rofl. I didn't sleep a ton, but I did really sleep. It wasn't a doze or a nap, it felt like real proper seep and it was amazing! I think it helped that I lowered the head of my bed down lower than normal and raised up the feet all the way instead. It felt a little upside down, but my head felt more horizontal. Which is nicer for sleeping of course XD I woke up, doodled some stuff and tumblr'd a bit, dozed some more...I ended up getting up around 9 or 10 I think it was?

Took a shower with the help of my mother. It's a little weird still, but we're finding a rhythm. She washes my hair while I sit in the shower chair, covering my various stomach bandages with a towel so they won't get wet, lol. And then I rinse wash and rinse one limb at a time, still avoiding bandages, but feeling wonderfully scrubbed afterwards ^^ After that I just wrapped up in a robe on the upstairs landing with my laptop, doodling for a while and listening to music...

My parents took my aunt and uncle out to Chedder's for lunch. I had to assure my mom that it was perfectly alright that they go without me...about a zillion times. She worries so much, but I think it was good for her to go out and do something without having me in tow, lol. Also, they all brought back little snippets of their meal so I can try everything ^^

When they got home, I got myself dressed pretty quick and we all took off for the theater. We went to see Frozen XD It was my 4th time seeing it, my mom's third, and the second time for Brian and my dad. First time for my aunt and uncle, but my aunt seriously seemed to fall in love with it. She said it might be the new best Disney movie ever. I can't blame her! And now she understands better why i'm so obsessed with it XD I got to have popcorn! Well not really, I would suck on it and spit it out, but considering I haven't been able to eat popcorn for years anyways, it was reeeally a wonderful change, lol.

After that, myself, mom and auntie sharon took a field trip to the basement to my old room. Most of my old stuff is in there still, and we were going through a few things for me to take upstairs with me. It's been hard to do it until now, cuz we have to have a time when I have both the energy to get all the way down there and colin has to be away or busy so we won't get in his way as it's his room now, lol.

I found a few t-shirts that still fit my new shape, gathered up tanks that support me the way my skin needs is now...picked a few knicknacks to bring up for atmosphere, my calendar, and a few more books that are just sorta too precious to leave downstairs, even if I don't get a chance to read them. I love them so much, I just need them in the room XD I also found a box of story notebooks and sketchbooks and am thinking of sending them to people... unfinished crappy stuff, notes for stories that'll never be finished... some people wouldn't care, but I think a few people might like them. They're more for sentiment than anything, but maybe entertaining too, lol. At least at the messy terribleness of them all XD

After that we headed upstairs again, I got to take a bite (and sit out) of a really really amazing slice of pizza. YUM I need more of that tomorrow i think lol.

Then we played a round of Betrayal of Haunted House on the Hill with the aunt and uncle. It was...well, a bit of a disaster. It's not the simplest of games to figure out, so people were confused more than having fun. Really makes it hard to enjoy the game when people don't know what's going on >.< It was incredibly frustrating, and I'm really getting sick of the game. Played it too many times now, and it always seems to end up being work or frustrating or confusing...

And my night isn't ending pleasently. The tube from my stomach is starting to ooze. Not pleasantly. Not badly, it doesn't look infected or anything, but we managed to hold off the oozing for days, so it's frustrating that it's starting now. Also, the cut up the middle of my stomach seemed to be doing so well...but tonight, it oozed a bit through the steri strips and it looks like it's pulling wider at the bottom. I dunno if it's that I ate too much today or if it's fluid build up again or what? But i'm feeling a bit like an over tight balloon and now it's starting to make the other wounds do bad things so i'm a little nervous and frustrated with it all... I've never had surgery before this, I know that they do things like take ages to heal and that they ooze and don't look pretty and hurt and that you have to be really careful...but it still scares me more than I like to admit. Even now I just kinda keep tearing up because I'm nervous to move in my own bed, not wanting to make anything worse >.<

So I'm just staying put, trying to stay calm, trying not to cry (because that hurts and I don't wanna pull anything anymore), and going to wrap up this entry so that I can just watch HIMYM and try and fall asleep while the sleeping pill kicks in...

A hospice nurse is gonna come by tomorrow. It's not Melissa, my usual nurse, so I'm feeling a little nervous about it. But I'm going to have whoever it is look at the bandages and the cuts and see if what's happening is alright or not. I really really hope it's alright. Or maybe that there's something they can do to make it better? Close up the cut a little? Maybe a cream that'll help the tube a bit? Something magical to mak me feel better about it so I don't flinch at every little touch when my mom is trying so hard to be gentle when she's cleaning them. I hate making her worry or feel bad, cuz we both know it needs to be done. I just get so nervous when anyone gets near the spots >.<

Ugh...I need more of that pizza. I'm gonna text brian and beg him to bring me a slice and a cup, I need to emotionally eat without actually eating anything I think ^^; I need to relax and calm down my brain and...just not think. Not thinking right now would be good! I'm so sick of thinking...

And that trailed into something longer than planned, my apologies! I'm gonna go execute those plans and head to sleep, night all!

Saturday, January 18, 2014

Alie is a sloooowpoke. Whoops!

Yeah I really need to post more updates than this. It's been five days now! More frequent updates of shorter length would be much easier than this ^^; So I'll di my best to catch you up on what's happened, but I'll also try and keep it shorter if I can. Most of it is boring stuff anyways XD And...honestly, I'm sure I've forgotten most of the details by now ^^;

So on the evening of the 13th, my hospice nurse Melissa stopped by for a visit, and we upped my pain meds a little. Not by much, but it was sooo amazingly worth it. I was pressing the bolus (the button you press for extra pain meds when you need them) a little too often for my taste.

The 14th was a sleeepy day for the most part. I couldn't manage to get to sleep, so I'd wake up every few hours. At 4am I just gave in and took the half hour trip down to the kitchen to get myself food and back up to my room to watch Netflix, lol. I just sorta dozed on and off all day, not really resting, but not really being able to stay awake either. It was incredibly frustrating, I didn't get almost anything done >.<

Oh, I did get my birthday gift from Eve that day! A squishy Anna doll who is the cutest thing! I took a picture, here XD
The 15th I woke up relatively early again. I simply couldn't sleep past 8:30ish. After all the napping the day before though, I had a lot more energy and we actually did stuff! Also my mom made the yummiest hot chocolate in the world, adding half and half for richness and protein because I can use it, lol. And added extra sugar and ovaltine to hide the protein flavor. Sooo yummy and a great breakfast!

Let's see, lots happened that day! Melissa stopped by to change out my med pack, and we had some moving dudes come by. They did the heavy lifting on the really awkward stuff we were rearranging between the basement and upstairs. So I have one of the single-hide-a-bed couches in my room upstairs now. Partly cuz it's more comfortable than the other one, so Brian is more willing to chill up here with me, lol. But also so that there's a bed in here just in case of a bad night and my mom decides to stay with me. Brian inherited my full size bed and his old twin went to my old basement bedroom, where Colin is now living ^^ I'm glad of it. Not only is it fun to have Colin around more often, the more the merrier, but Brian isn't on his own in the basement. Oh, and my dining table is set up on the landing outside of my room, so for a short move to a change of scenery I can hang out there instead. We can also play games and eat there on days when going downstairs is just too hard ^^

I got a gorgeous bouquet of flowers from the Anthropology department from my old college! A lovely mix of flowers and colors that I love! Minette ordered it and used my art as the inspiration for it! I always knew she was my favorite of my anth professors XD I only had her almost every semester for years though, so I'm only a little biased :P But I took this picture the day I got it! I should take another now, it's bloomed and gotten even prettier since!

That afternoon I went out to Panara for linner with Kim and Roy Jo, two of my other favorite people from my university! It was a blast to see them as always, but it was also a bit of a business meeting for a lovely new project :D I'll post more info about said project at the bottom of this entry, so if you're bored, you can skip down there =P

The 16th was a tad on the busy side again! I did post a teeny update on tumblr though, so I'm just gonna copy and paste this from there XD

So that anxiety pill thingie did seem to help me sleep, though since I didn’t take it until i went to bed at 4 this morning, that didn’t end up being terribly helpful, lol. But I had my normal bizarre dreams back, and I did sleep in and slept properly, which was very nice! I think they might have also unraveled me a little emotionally too, but it’s hard to tell with me these days. The strangest little things will get me all emotional and upset ^^;

But my mom and I went to get our hair trimmed around noon. I got to get my hair washed that way, which is a little easier there at the salon than my mom doing it here in the bathtub where it’s hard to lean back. I also had Alison wax my eyebrows right away, since they desperately needed it ad it makes me feel a little better about myself as my looks these days are pretty rough and ragged >.<

We went by World Market (where I used to work) to pick up my check, but it looks like it’s already in the mail. And got the info for W2s so I can do taxes. Oh boy? I know it needs to be done but bleeech. Grossness.

After that I was pooped. Came home, made my way slowly step by step back into bed, and crashed for a while. Brian is playing Bioshock in here, but it’s amazing how much dozing I can do even in the insane crazinness, lol.

We had  Red Robin for dinner that night :D This way, since they’re bringing the food home, I get to “eat and spit” while they eat, and I won’t make them feel bad for eating in front of me at the restaurant and then me being stuck with cold food by the time we get home ^^ It works out quite nicely!

And I did finally manage to get some art stuff done that evening, and Brian and I hung out while he played games until like...4am, lol.

The 17th was epicly awesome! I didn't sleep a ton the night before but it didn't seem to matter XD I got to finally FINALLY meet Erika, an online friend i've had for years! It made everything worth it! I admit, the day didn't go entirely according to plan... we were gonna wander the mall and drive Gaden of the Gods and do fun things, lol.

Yeah that didn't happen ^^ All that fluid build up in my middle likes to really explode within a single day or two, so I was really uncomfortable all the earl afternoon we were hanging out... I mean it still worked out, since we just sat around chatting anyways, but it was less than ideal. We got Taco Bell for lunch (a bowl of pintos and cheese for me!) and was delicious. (dang it now I want some...)

The hospice doctor came by for his visit as well, so I finally got to meet him! He's...wonderfully insane, rofl. He's really funny and really willing to do anything he can to help. Like...we mentioned doing another drain of the fluid build up, but even when I was in the hospital, i'd often have to wait until the next day. He just made a few calls and got me in within the hour o.O It was nuts!

So Erika got to come with me to the hospital, rofl. At least it was a very unique visit, she'll never forget it =P And it wasn't all that bad. I get really freaked out over these drains, but they upped my pain meds like crazy and really did everything they could aside from flat out knocking me out to make sure I was able to stay calm and comfortable. Seriously...the bolus of my meds is usually .5mg every 15 minutes. They upped it 1mg every 5 minutes o.O So I was nervous, but they got out almost all the liquid and I felt soo much better after XD And my mom and Erika got to wander the hospital for an hour of adventures. They dropped off some prints of my work to the nurses where I was staying last week, and saw Spiderman :P

So then we went home ^^ I had some leftover tomato soup for supper and got some lovely things in the mail! Um... oh, yes, we played Betrayal of Haunted House on the Hill with myself, Brian, Colin, Erika, and my parents all playing XD It was soo much fun! Crazy and insane (too many chiefs, not enough indians) but a blast. The basic plot of this playthrough was my mom (playing the creepy little girl with the teddy bear) ended up being the bad guy, using a book to summon some evil demon lord guy, and killing us all off one by one. And honestly...we beat her! With a crap ton of luck, rofl. I was the only survivor, picking up the book and destroying it! It was brutal, but really cool, lol.

After that Erika and I hung out upstairs, looking (and dismaying) over bad quality Disney dolls, looking through the Art of Tangled book, and eventually watching Beauty ad the Briefcase ^^ It was fun too, though we were both so sleepy I think it made it only more entertaining, lol.

And finally, today, the 18th. Erika's flight left early this morning, so I basically woke up enough to give her a giant hug goodbye, but I was too worn to take her back to the airport sadly. It was a short visit, and I do wish we could have hung out more than one day, but it was entirely worth it <3

I actually slept too! Like...proper sleep! No sleeping pills, but I think I was just worn out enough for it. I napped may way to almost noon before I really sat up and started waking up.

It wasn't a comfortable day though...that always happens after the drain. It's insides suddenly have room to shift back into place, but they're not sure they want to? So I'm just sorta stuck feeling weird all day. Less than fun, but I'm hoping it'll be better tomorrow ^^

My aunt and uncle arrived from Texas this afternoon. My mom had started her new Disney puzzle before she left to get them, I ended up finishing the last three edges before se even got back. Then my dad came to hang out with me on the landing and started working on it as well, while I brought out my laptop and doodled. Brian came upstars after dropping off Colin at work and was playing some games on his phone.

Just a random quiet little moment...but a favorite of mine. I just really liked spending time together like that, even if we're not talking a whole lot or anything. I like those moments so much :)

Mummy then arrived with the relatives and they all came upstairs to join us! There wasn't quite enough chairs, even when Brian left to play a game downstairs, but we all mushed in and hung out there for a while. it was nice too, just chilling up there! My aunt was so excited because she got to watch me doodling, lol. She also started helping on the puzzle while my uncle got to meet the various pets. We ended up deciding to order from Texas Roadhouse for supper! YUM. If we do that again, I'm SO getting a steak. No one got any steak, so I didn't even get to steal a bite from someone to just chew on...nuts. But I had some delicious mashed potatoes and a bit of my mom's pulled pork, and their amazing sweet bread and cinnamon butter. Oh man I'm making myself hungry again, lol.

After that we played a whole bunch of Uno. I lost, rofl. More points than anyone XD And now i'm upstairs with Brian who is playing Bioshock again!

And I finally think i'm done. Sheesh this is LONG I am so sorry >.< I'm definitely going to try and do daily updates from now on to avoid the walls of text. If you made it through, congratulations and hugs and digital cookies to you!!




So I mentioned a project up a bit higher, and here's the scoop. I'm making an art book! A book of my art, where all proceeds will go to a research charity of some sort! it's going to be soooo amazing and i'm really excited :D

Here's a ton more info if you're interested:

The same offer goes to you guys! If there's any pieces in my art gallery there on dA that you want included, please do let me know! Here, on facebook, there on dA, on tumblr...wherever ^^

But for now, i'm shutting up XD

Monday, January 13, 2014

Holy Guacamole!

There's an insane number of people reading this blog o.O 2431 pageviews? Sheesh! Well hello all of you! Sorry about the lack of updates the last few's sorta been a mix of laziness, business, and exhaustion, lol.

So where'd I leave on for draining my stomach...recovery all that day...

So Saturday pretty much nothing happened, lol. The hospice people were really slow getting to me in the hospital. Like...the lady showed up that morning and the firs thing she sad was that she didn't want me going home. She wanted to take me to some of their little rooms at the hospice itself for a night or two. I know why she suggested would get me away from the hospital itself and away from the way they dose out the medications there. Since they do things differently through hospice care. She wanted a day or two to adjust my pain meds so that when  did go home, I'd be totally comfortable and settled.

I didn't care. I refused outright. I may have been a little rude about it too, though I didn't try to be. But man my face fell so far the moment she mentioned that... All I wanted to do was go home to my own room and bed and cat and my own life! I didn't want to go to another strange room inbetween! Honestly I would have rather stayed at the hospital another night, at least it was sort of my own space by that point, you know? And I knew most of the nurses by then which is always nice, lol.

But yes, I refused to go to the hospice place ad the lad set about making arrangements to have all my equipment delivered to the house. Mostly the stomach pump. Like...until the pump was physically at the house, I wasn't allowed to check out of the hospital. Which made the whole day one giant wait because whoever was doing deliveries was going super SUPER slow. They didn't deliver things until almost 9 that evening o.O (Looking back that may have been a kind of good thing though...the second day of surgery recovery was much much harder than the first day, so laying around for an extra 12 hours and basically dozing was probably very good for me, lol.

Anyways, so I finally was set free from the hospital and in the car on the way home by 9 that evening and we went straight home. was actually a really rough night. I dunno what it was, but being home wasn't quite right yet.

The thing was...night night before I popped off to the emergency room on the 4th, we'd just moved most of my bedroom furniture up to my old upstairs bedroom. I didn't even get to spend a single night in the room before I was in the hospital for a week. And then, while I was stuck there, everything got moved around again. I'm in the other spare room upstairs, which actually used to be Brian's room, lol. I don't have my own bed, instead I have one of the single beds that folds up like hospital beds do... Which is definitely worth it I know, since I can't really sit up on my own yet it's incredibly useful and i'm not complaining!

But it just...didn't feel like coming home. It wasn't my home I was coming to, I felt like I was coming to a guest room, like nothing was quite right. I had both parents working to try and get things ready, and then a hospice nurse finally came by to settle me in with new meds and such and that wasn't until 10 or so... My grandma is here, which is totally awesome, don't get me wrong! But she's not normally here, so on top of everything it just felt a little weird in that regard too, lol.

It just just a nutty emotional night... my right ear had a little wax build up so I couldn't hear properly and it nearly had me in tears for hours. It was entirely silly ^^; So I basically just watched Friends until I passed out XD

Yesterday was much better in terms of getting back to the swing of things here ^^ I spent most of the morning sore and in bed, but Mummy and Dad brought up most of my posters and wall art and such and we re-decorated the upstairs room with my own things to make it more mine. It's amazing what something so simple can do to make a girl feel better! Just...something about having your own stuff is amazing, lol. We're gonna bring up a bunch of my favorite books and knickknacks over the next few days too, so it'll only make it nicer ^^

Essie helps. Oh my gosh Essie helps. For those who don't know, Essie is my cat and oh there is nothing like having your pet back to make the world a better place. She's barely left my side since I got home and I am not complaining in the least! Except when she wants to curl up on my belly, that doesn't work quite so well, lol. But needless to say, I'm once again half covered in cat hair and loving it XD In a way she was in the same boat as me...moved to a new bedroom which I then proceeded to leave her alone in for a week, poor thing! She never got a new place any more than I did. And the basement door is open all the time now too, so the other cat goes down to hang out with Brian... The basement used to be safe, but we took it away from her. So yeah, I don't think she rested well while I was gone. Which is why she's essentially been sleeping on me since I got home, lol. She's much happier now, much more relaxed, and I'm very glad of it, since she helps me do the same thing ^^

So my situation here at home is quite lovely once again ^^ Since I'm here obviously i'm not attached to an IV pole anymore...but they also took out the IV in the port they put in the other day, so I didn't really have a way to take any pain meds. The hospice people provided a little machine pump that basically does it for me? It's interesting, I carry the pump and the IV bag around in a little bag with me all the time and it gives me my pain meds at a more steady rate. Rather than every three hours like in the hospital, it's broken up into smaller bits more consistently. Which is probably healthier, seeing as it doesn't give me a giant rush of relief and make me dizzy and pass out, rofl. And there's a little button I can push to get extra meds if I need them ^^ I do think they need to up the dose on the pump though, since i've had to use that extra bolus quite a bit more than I'd like to have to... Ah well, they should be able to fix that today when they come by ^^

Other than that, I have a fancy pump thingie for my stomach tube. Mum and I run it twice a day so far, and it's getting better ^^ it's still bizarre, don't get me wrong. it's veeery strange feeling and looking and weird to think about, so I try not to. But it is working and it does mean I get to eat at least mushy food, so I'm trying not to complain in the least. Cuz food is good. Seriously. Yum. I love that I don't have to give it up yet. Which is what my body is going to slowly do. As I grow weaker, I'll feel less's entirely natural, I just won't crave nutrients and it's not a dangerous thing. It'll just happen. But in the meantime, I still get hungry and I still get to eat and get some of those nutrients, which I think helps me morally as much as physically. I just love food too darn much to give it up, rofl.

Let's see...they also gave me a wheelchair so when I feel up to it, we can actually get out of the house sometimes and do things! Haven't used it yet, but I have every intention of seeing Saving Mr. Banks before long :P And we also got one of those hospital trays that slide under the bed so that I can have a desk and work from bed ^^ Honestly, everyone needs one of these things, they're amazing, lol. Absolutely wonderful for being lazy hehehehee XD

My new room is pretty snazzy too! We have an old loveseat in here, and once we have everything ready, we're gonna hire some dudes to do some heavy moving for us, getting the extra bed down to my old room, bringing up one of the couches from the basement, stuff like that... We got a new TV for in here yesterday too, so I can watch movies and Brian can put up his game systems in here (or some of them at least) and I can watch netflix on it. It'll be really great for days when I'm just too tired to get out of med much, because I can have people to hang out with without them feeling like they're just stuck in a hospital bedside chair. Because that's just lame for all of us, lol. This way we can just chill out together and play games or watch stuff without it being an issue ^^

Sheesh, have I talked enough yet? I think I've talked enough fr this post, rofl. Amazing how much I can blabber on for a girl who's biggest event of the day is the adventure of trying to shower, pfft XD (For the record, I can't shower, not with all the various tubes and bandages... I have to get my mom's help washing my hair (using a shower chair the hospice people brought for me), and then washcloth everything else. I just don't wanna risk getting any open gauze wet when there isn't a nurse around to change the bandages if they need. Fun stuff :P)

Right. See? A whole paragraph on showers! very exciting i'm sure XD So I'm gonna shut up now and post the link to this everywhere, lol. I'll chat at you all later :)

Friday, January 10, 2014

Crazy day!

Seriously it was nutty, lol. I was up late working on my picture last night, watching Friends and such...having a good old time, the usual :P Anyways, around 2ish I figured I needed to sleep. The hospice people were going to be here at 9am and I figured I needed to be awake and conscious for it. So I got a nice sleeping pill (much nicer than the one the night before which kept me groggy allll day yesterday, blech) and went to bed. Quite a nice sleep actually! I got to sleep a little more horizontally which was very exciting, lol.

Right, so I figured I'd have plenty of rest before meeting the hospice people and then hanging out longer while waiting for my surgery.

Well that didn't work out, pfft XD Around 6:30 they came in and said 'they'll be picking you up for your procedure in a few minutes!'

So I'm reeling and trying to wake up and figure out what's happening and still half asleep and sheesh! Meanwhile, the nurses came in and helped me change into a hospital gown and plopped me back down into bed...and the people to pick me up were already there. I had just enough time to text my mom and let her know what was happening before I was being wheeled away. it was totally nuts o.O

But seriously, I wish they'd stop springing surgeries on me. The last one was supposed to be at 5pm and they moved it up to 1, and they did it again! I mean I'm glad they got me in so quickly, I really am! I just wish they'd warn me. I'd planned on showering before my surgery and such, and I didn't get the chance to do anything but rush around and get nervous!

But...anyways, the surgery went well. I now have a tube in my insides and a nice big slit up the front of my belly which makes doing much of anything difficult. I'm very sore and need to use the bed to st up and lay down, doing it on my own is torture >.< But I can walk just fine once I'm on my feet, which is quite lovely. I like not being stuck in bed constantly, and I really wanna walk off the extra water that's making my ankles swell from the IV fluid over the last few days... I don't like my legs being all fat and gross, even though I'm anything but pretty these days ^^;

And thanks to the tube, I'm able to start working my way up with food again! Nothing big of course, it's not a large tube and can still get clogged very easily. So I'm still eating mostly jello and popsicles and and stuff. But today for dinner I got to get vanilla pudding and tomato soup! Yummiest soup ever oh my god, I'm sooo happy I get flavor. Every time I doze off I end up dreaming of food these days. I swear I was sorta chewing on my own tongue during a nap earlier, dreaming of...oh man, I don't even remember what I was dreaming of o.O

Rofl, but in any case, that'll change tomorrow! I get to go home tomorrow and sleep in my own bed (well not really, it's in one of the adjustable beds and isn't really mine) and my own room (except not really since i've been moved to the guest room upstairs) and have my own space (except not really cuz there's gonna be a tv and a bunch of game stuff in my room so I can hang out with people even if I can't get out of bed).

So...alright, i'm not going back to a nice normal life, but I knew that wasn't very likely to ever happen again ^^;

Oh! I did get a lovely visit from Kim today! And she Roy Jo (the greatest professor i've ever had for those of you who don't know :P) have this awesome project idea for me and my art, a way to sort of leave a little something behind for the world and maybe do some good! I'm not gonna share too much yet, not until I have more details, but I'm really really excited about it :D :D

And I do have a few other visits from friends lined up, so that's exciting too! Though I do want to remind people that there's no pressure for you to try and come visit me. Really, it's alright and I don't want you to feel badly for any reason. It's very last minute and expensive and I don't want anyone to feel bad if a visit doesn't work out, alright? So don't feel bad, that's an order :P

Hmm...I think that's it for today's update... Mostly the rest of my dad has been watching Treehouse Masters. It's a show on Animal Planet (of all channels) that's literally about building epic treehouses. Seriously. RIGHT up my alley. I rather adore it, lol. Aside from that Brian came by to visit again today, and we played a couple games of Sorry! XD I won both games, muahahaha >:D I kicked their butts at Uno last night too! In four or five games I only earned a total of like 14 points while my dad had over a hundred. I figure the universe feels badly for all this cancer business, so it's letting me win games, lol.

Alright, I do think that covers the day. A bit rambly this evening, I'm just kinda wandering around wherever this evening apparently. Most of my stuff here so far has been basic updates, so yeah... I'll likely post more personal stuff once i'm home and have time again. When I'm here I don't get on my laptop most of the day cuz my parents are generally around and I hate leaving them hanging. It'll be so nice to be hooome man... When I can just go back to having my laptop open all the time again, doodling constantly, time to mysel to write whatever I feel like... I'm excited XD

Oh! Dude! I just realized that my dad left his laptop here tonight...meaning I can work on art on mine and at the same time, play shows on his laptop! Oh this is epic, last night I squished the Paint Tool SAI window so that I could watch Friends in a teeny box in the corner, making it difficult to see either very well. This is gonna be great!

But first, bathroom break, set up dad's laptop, and then if I have the energy, a little walk down the hall. Tis the plan. Woot!

Alrighty folks, chat with you later :)