Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Ch-ch-changes...

Because man am I going through a bunch of em. Weird changes too. I don't talk about it a whole lot about anything beyond the basic updates here generally, but I figure why not write up something new? Something more interesting perhaps? At least maybe a little less technical and boring than usual, lol.

The biggest thing is the way I look of course. I mean...I had a face shape before!

I admit, there were lots of times I hated my face shape...it was so round, I'd do everything I could to make sure that in pictures I'd look thinner. Now I have this face...



 I'm getting so thin! And my smile looks so strange and lopsided... I'm so dehydrated all the time which isn't helping my smile anyways. Plus, because of the blood thinners I'm on, every little cut and scrape just sorta sits and never goes away. So those little dots on my face are all zits that just won't leave. I can't wash too roughly either cuz I'm worried I might accidentally create more. I mean the scrapes are everywhere, not just my face, but those are the ones I end up worrying about, lol.

My arms and shoulders have thinned out so much it's pretty weird too. They're kinda skeleton arms in a way! And getting thinner. Since I can't eat food I don't get much nutrition anymore, so my body fat is being eaten away instead. I knew it would happen but it's weeeird to see happening. My legs are starting to show it too. When they aren't all fattened up by random fluid build up anyways. That happens when I don't keep my feet up enough during the day apparently, lol. For some reason my left leg is just like...super thirsty I guess and keeps trying to gain water weight. Fat ankles on top of everything else just suck. Not to mention the fact that when my knee swells up its really painful so that's less than cool ^^;

Of course while my limbs are getting thinner, my torso looks rather like a pregnant old lady. Which is disgustingly blunt, but true. Because of the constant fluid build up in my middle I can't stand up straight, so I hobble around folded in half. And my boobs? A month ago, I had a lovely pair of 34DDDs to work with. Now I can wear old bras from when I was a D and even less o.O

I mean...I knew this would happen. I know that the way I look doesn't matter at this point, it's silly and stupid to worry about in the midst of everything else that's going on. But...man... I hate knowing that my smile isn't my smile anymore. It's like someone swept in, stole my mouth and replaced it with someone else's. Every time I look in the mirror I'm not seeing myself, I'm seeing this...thing i'm turning into. And I can't stand knowing that everyone who comes to visit me isn't seeing me either. They're seeing this weird hunchbacked, skinny girl with a weird face and smile.

That's the main reason I decided not to cut my hair I think. My hair is once again my main thing. My identity in a way. I just...I just need my thing. But even more, I just need that one familiar thing to hang onto...it's gonna be the only one I have left before long...

Eh, it's silly to worry about. Not silly in a bad way I don't think, I doubt anyone is going to scold me for thinking or feeling such things of course, that really is silly, lol. Nah, for me it's more like...I have more important things to worry now, so we're gonna worry less about what you look like and more about making those little dreams come true first!

And now, I'm falling asleep while I try and write and it's getting harder and harder to fight it, lol. So I'm going to sleep and hope that you all have a lovely day!
~Alie

8 comments:

  1. You are a lovely, lovely girl. And you are still beautiful, despite the changes <3. Thank you for having an open heart throughout your journey and sharing so much with everyone. Sending prayers (and I do actually pray!!) your way.

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  2. Alie, I'm sure you'll hear this a lot, and from those closer to hand, but you're still very much your beautiful self and recognisably so. Think back to when your best lovely friend said, 'I look like crap today!' and you thought, 'Grrrl, what are you talking about?' We notice our own flaws and skip over the loveliness we're so familiar with it's invisible to us. But everyone else sees YOU first.

    At the same time, the changes must look and feel freaky to you, and it's cool that you're sharing them, treating them as 'interesting' as well as the bummer they are. You are an AMAZING person, and always will be to everyone who's had the good fortune to encounter you.

    Wishing you good times, new pleasures and hopefully some restful, productive sleep today.

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  3. It's not silly... Every woman is worried to know how she looks, or if she looks enough "herself" ! But you have a great smile, even if you not recognize it ! It is shiny and joins your eyes and they're the most sweetest thing to watch ! I see this shine before and after, even with you weight loss, even if you look tired. You have a great smile, and this is unchangeable !

    Thank you for your gift, your blog and deviantart is a wonderful present ! I wish mine will give you at least some smile ! Keep your joy and have a max of happy, happy, HAPPY days with your family !

    http://img15.hostingpics.net/pics/775066Whisper.jpg

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    1. That was a precious picture you made. How thoughtful!

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  4. I think of you daily and you are always in my prayers. You have a beautiful smile...and besides, it is with is within we see, not the outer appearance.

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  5. You're gorgeous; your smile still makes me want to smile back. <3

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  6. If it's any consolation, I think you still look quite beautiful. :)

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  7. Alie , your last journal is a couple weeks old now... How are you? I'm worried. :(

    You're in my prayers.

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