A Deadline

'If you only had a year to live, what would you want to do?'

Its a question we all think about at some point I think. But it's always something that's rhetorical. Because...well, there's YEARS left to live, it's not something you have to worry about. You think about the places you want to travel, the things you want to do, the people you want to see...but it's not that simple.

The moment I was told I had 6-9 months, I barely knew what to think. But my first thought was my friends. I have so many amazing friends living in so many places, and I figured that it would be a pretty good way to spend the next year of my life. Just getting a stream of visitors. Getting to see these amazing people in person, being able to hug them and hang out with them for a few days, getting a chance to be crazy or normal or whatever happens to float your boat, lol.

But things kept going wrong. Various surgeries weren't successful, and my time is being chipped away bit by bit. And this morning's big doctor meeting didn't change that pattern.

Essentially...the chemo therapy simply won't be enough. It's a program that's designed to help a person over a period of months, helping them to last longer. but the fact of the matter is that I don't have the months required for it do any good. If I go on the chemo, I'll have to deal with all the negative side effects (nausea being the major one), but I wouldn't really get any of the benefits from it. The rest of my life would be spent being sick and miserable. And...I don't want that.

So we're skipping the chemo thing entirely. The plan of action is that tomorrow I'm going to have a special tube put into my stomach, essentially a drain. So i'll be able to eat smooth foods like jello and broth and smoothies and very carefully chewed things in small quantities. And based on where they can place the tube, it'll actually hopefully be low enough in my small intestines that I'll be able to get some nutrients from it and everything ^^ Which is better than the other option of them delivering said nutrients right into my blood stream, since that can not only cause problems, but doesn't help with the whole 'I miss eating' situation :P

(My solution for that is going to be getting food, chewing it, and spitting it out. I know it'll be weird and gross, and I'll do it sitting alone in my room if I have to. But dang it, I'm not giving up food! I love it far too much to just give up on all those lovely flavors!)

Depending on when that surgery is, I might be able to go home tomorrow! If not tomorrow, then the day after for sure. Which is going to be absolutely lovely because I've been here for five days now, lol.

Anyways, since we're not going to do the chemo treatments, I'm going into the Hospice Care system instead. They'll send people to my house to check up on me, deliver medications and give me anything I need...they basically do everything they can to keep me as comfortable as possible for the time I have left. So we're gonna borrow a handy wheely tray so I can have my laptop in bed without having to lift the laptop around cuz it gets heavy, and we're gonna try and get a wheelchair for any out-of-the-house outings. And with the hospice care people, if living at home becomes too problematic, they have their own facilities where I can move for the rest of my time where they'll have people around constantly to keep an eye on me and make sure I'm comfortable right up to the end of things ^^

But yes...with all of this, my time has moved from 6-9 months to 4-6 weeks. Possibly longer, since I am young and pretty healthy otherwise. I have my fingers crossed, lol. But...all those plans of seeing friends just aren't really going to work. And it makes me sad. I would have loved to have gotten to meet so many people, or to see old friends one last time, but it's just not really feasible. I can't expect everyone to drop everything and come see me within the next month. Especially when I can't even promise that I'll be well enough to anything much more than sit in bed and watch tv shows and stuff. It'd only make for a really depressing visit, and I'd much rather have people remember me as the energetic girl they know here online than some sickly thing stuck in bed. Cuz that's not me, and I don't mind people not seeing me that way ever, lol.

With the new deadline, my world simply shifted inwards a little more. I'm entirely focused on spending as much time as I can with my parents and my brother. I think it'll be easier for friends this way, not having to feel bad about not being able to come. I don't have to worry about being full of energy in order to make anyone feel welcome, and I can still chat online and such, it'll work out. And this way I can spend time with the three most important people in the world and doing the things I enjoy the most :)

So that's the plan ^^ Surgery tomorrow, home tomorrow evening or the next day...and relaxing and enjoying myself as much as I possibly can. It doesn't sound too bad :P

I may write more later tonight, something a little less technical and more a stream of consciousness thing...just blurting thoughts and feelings. I dunno yet, depends how my drawing is going, lol. We shall see XD
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